I’m 31, Canadian, married with two children. I live on Vancouver Island where I work as a reporter/photographer. Sometimes though I wish I was somewhere else, like in the photo below.
I was raised in a Christian family, and accepted the faith at a young age. It’s been an integral part of who I am for as long as I can remember. However, since Oct. 2007, I’ve struggled with faith to the breaking point and beyond.
As Nietzsche said, “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
That about sums up where I’m at with Christianity. I’ve spent time as a youth leader, deacon and volunteer with my church, fighting monsters but never satisfied with the answers I’ve been given for tough questions. When I felt I was on the verge of becoming a monster myself, I decided to walk away from the unsatisfying, circular answers and I guess I’ve gazed into the abyss.
Problem is, it’s looking back.
Where does that leave me? I’m not sure. I feel like I’m deprogramming. I don’t enjoy going to church, and wonder if there’s any point at all in going, but I go for my family. Does the Bible hold any meaningful answers for me anymore? I don’t know. But I do know I’ve dropped my fundamentalist Christian baggage and I’m groping my way through faith — or maybe away from faith — with a new perspective.
I chose the name “Burned Alive” for my old blog because I thought it represented what it was like to be on fire with the Holy Spirit — a way of describing how I thought God guided every aspect of my life. I’ve had some profound and disturbing experiences since I started that blog in 2005, and now I use the term in kind of a tongue-in-cheek way to describe how trying to live a “Spirit-filled” Christian life led me to the verge of burnout, and almost destroyed my faith.
Maybe someday I’ll share the story.